And I still miss you

My parents bought us a double decker bed. No more sleeping in a drawer (bed) anymore. Now I have suicidal sleep, you see because my bed's so high up. Two days in a row I wake up and I forget where I am, what happened, who I am even. It's the bed, I think. 


 

P.s I wish I didn't look so ma*ay. So the cheers person would stop looking at me up and down with a stink eye, like I'm committing some Muslim sin, whenever I buy that one damn carlsberg I deserve after 9 hours of (jail) school, or 8 hours in heels. Please give me a break. Hahahahaha, hmm.

it keeps me listening for your voice around each corner,
it keeps me listening for your voice around each corner.


I gave him my hands.

What have I become? My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end

You could have it all, my empire of dirt.
I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

If I could start again a million miles away,
I would keep myself,
I would find a way.-

I'll tell you exactly how it ends. I'll do you a favour go far away one last time forever
Although I know  "forever" is often nothing more than just for a while.
Sometimes I think I'm happy here, but sometimes I know I pretend. And I fucking hurt too.
I wish this could be any other way, but I just don't know what else I can do.
I'll disappear, for a while. Then everything ends, here,
forever.

I don't believe in anything, anymore.


The only man I'll ever love, even if God forbids it, is lying in her bed
surrendered to slight snoring & his dream heaven which i can't ever share.
I kissed his face - a million times, goodnight, good morning, I love you. I have his face
his eyes, his smile, his gifts... It's mine and belongs to me only. I love you........

Daddy. (: He who shares a bed with my mum!!!!!! What are you thinking bitchessssssss.


P.s I can't wait for school tomorrow! I'm addicted to the stress, adrenaline, sleeplessness, "self-torture" and competition against myself.
And I miss long bus rides. Goodnight world.

My mind falls in love with you
But it is my heart that keeps me awake
beating me for ever trusting in what it feels

You're not even real

 

I caught her looking at me the other day, today, and maybe even tomorrow with a beautiful, distrust.

-
Could I ever be one of those girls?
Worth all of it, so much I can't even describe what IT is, but you'd know.
I can't deny that I want a happy ending too
Somewhere, someone, someday.

Make me a channel of your peace, for you are the most selfless boy I know
who's loved me endlessly and made me yours.

 

And I think... Were these my tears? The same ones that leave me as you leave me.
The ones that admitted that I couldn't be you, compare, or save the pain. The ones
that has forced me to believe (as you want me to) that there is nothing left to save you
The ones that still flow when I think how we are all just useless.

 

"At this point, I would say that I love you, but in my typical fashion, I am going to throw in a 'but' in the sentence to protect myself from embarrassing myself, but no, I love you." 

I beg your pardon. Could you say that again? For memory's sake. No, I'm not trying to embarrass you. I really didn't mean to turn over to my side and let your voice get all muffled under the covers with my right ear pressed too painfully against this passionless pillow. So I guess this means you are the page-turner I would never remember. And I shall always be your toxic (waste) love.

Compassion can never be a bad thing. But I've learnt to ignore pain, if anything.

It's a remarkably useful skill. And that's what I've become accustomed too.
You see, for a long while, I was a sponge. I could absorb all the misery in this world.
But then I got so fed up with everyone else who is blind or at least pretends to be.

Now that I'm immune to you, I feel very numb, guilty more than anything... I can say
all the correct words, hug you at the right moments... but I don't feel you anymore. 
I don't feel the hurt... and I feel bad for it.

I'm hurting you and me, and I don't even feel it yet.

For a second in my lucidity I realised what I miss. Along with plenty of whos. Which part of myself had I given up and how did it become so I don't know- but I just can't be the same anymore.

Things were just as they were, there wasn't anything more, or less. Nothing possessed more mystery, brutality, betrayal, despair, or any other emotion you can't handle that makes your skin crawl and insides flip. There was only one reality. And I never explored too deep and dark inside of myself that I got lost. I was just, that. And that just happened to be me in top form, this what you see now, is how I have deteriorated from myself and I suppose it's all my fault.

This is exactly what I mean when I say "I wish things were simpler".

 I can't help but imagine what my death will be like and whether I will be able to feel it in the greatest magnitude, since its supposed to be mine anyway. Will it feel like the ending of a song? If that, then what kind of song exactly because that's important. I hope I don't end up feeling indignant. ...Or perhaps the end of a movie? Or maybe some really long boring pee pee tee slides... and the sweet sense of relief that comes after. And this would play on:

I can't believe how alone we can be in this world bursting at the seams with humans. It makes me so dizzy thinking about all the text messages, emails, facebook messages, twitter, msn, phonecalls, skype, everything isn't real. Because I am still alone. Like when I smoke stark naked in the toilet. Like when I make sure my hair is in place and my expression isn't too strange in the train, just to look around and see that no one was even watching me. Like when I'm trying my best to make a connection with someone, but that someone is only half-hearted about me. 

Lately, I don't know what else to feel when I'm alone besides loneliness.

Oh god. My head is burning at 38.9 degrees, that's one degree away from lou's dengue fever ))))): and now maybellyn is sick too. both my princesses. this sucks so bad. i can hear a twitching sound in my left ear and the computer is glaring into my hot eyes 

when i was vegetating on the bed the whole day, i couldn't help but think that i might actually be able to fry an egg on my forehead, two pancakes on the thighs and a bacon on my neck. breakfast in bed! hahahaha ^^

This is me burning in the hell inside myself for so mean throughout the school term

Francis and I went to see our desired Holland Lop Bunny @ the pet shop Becky's working at. I'm happy to find that she's still as lovely if not more :)

We can't afford buy this 450 dollar bundle of adorableness plus everyone gasps when we tell them we want a bunny. "...Commitment..."
so we'll just love him from the pet shop window. Their ears are so droopy cos they are Holland Lop bunnies. But we decided we only love the brown one becos we are extremely colour bias.

Plus I don't think we are stable enough to own a bunny. What if we were driving each other mad (like today) and it would hurt our little moggly to see his/her parents so siao-siao.


Don't you just love it?


Other cute bundles:






Becky didn't let us take a photo of her if not I'll have it here. Haha. Okay till next time. :)

11.00 - 12.00 Snacks (kit kat and cereal)
12.00 - 0100 Read my book
0100 - 0300 Watch movie
Savour an alcoholic beverage and cigarettes by the window and succumb to sweet slumber.

I could live like this


Beauty and Beast is so awesomez.

 
Mervin drew this on my board... like one month ago. Hehe (: 
a very cute/accurate representation of my stuff toy Fynn the Bean.



How my board looks like now.

 

"And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions,
but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal on their own separate orbits.
From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they're nothing
more than prisions, where each of us locked up alone, going nowhere.

When the orbits of these two setellites of ours happened to cross paths,
we could be together.
Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest
moment. In the next instant we'd be in solitude. Until we burned up and
become nothing."

- Miu
Sputnik Sweetheart, Haruki Muraki

    
 




Mezan's 21st. Happy birthday Mezan! The usual madness/ weird group dynamics but I still love them all. It was wild
(i guess it puts us on a notch of 1/100 of skins, i'll be humble)
Maybellyn, Lou, Francis and I went to Zouk. In my cowboy boots (haha) but I had a good time.

I woke up today and my baby toe hurts as shit. Have a nice Sunday night, bunnies.


p.s
I'm going to watch Beauty and the Beast!!!
Cheers to one month worth of holidays.
Sometimes you'll see me walking idly around orchard road...
Cos I'm the new Singapore Idle. hehehehe :D

 This room is too small to fit the thousand different versions of myself and I. I think even Tiger Wood's 50 million dollar bedroom isn't even enough (and who wants to be in his sleazy ass bedroom anyway?)

My mind is poison(ing me)

This is how I start Day One Morning One of my holidays:
if you sense sarcasm, then ahem, it's totally unintentional



why
we'll never stop
chasing
highs
and fighting
lows